Switches

I find it so odd how little things can turn a great day into a terrible one. These little switches that you may not even know about that can turn out the lights. Today was a good day, not great, a little boring but good. but then one little things, which has almost no impact on me, happened and it just ruined my day. I couldn't even get myself to feel good about playing my favorite sport. I wonder why it is always the little things that set me off, it could be that I have so much else built up that one thing just sends the water spilling over the sides. I don't think that is it, but that is the only thing that I can come up with. I just wish I knew what all of my switches were so I could do my best to face them straight on, instead of being blindsided by them.

Lets hope tomorrow is better.

sunday...funday?

Today is a better day. I felt more like myself. I worked out and played water polo. I am actually feeling healthy again, my vertigo has slowed and I can actually get things done. While today wasn't all great, I had my moments, I was nice to feel good for most of a day. right now I am listening to a song called black sky by alpha rev, and its a great song. It talks about how things are dark and hard, but the light will come if you just wait for it (at least that is my take).

Lets hope tomorrow is better than today.

yup its me

To be honest, I don't care if anyone ever reads this, or if anyone cares. This is for me to vent and express myself since I don't know how else to do it. Why is it that every single day has to be a struggle. I fight this darkness that over hangs everything I do and I can't escape it. It isn't always apparent, but its always hanging out. Some days, I can only make out a single cloud covering the sky, but other days I can't make out which way is up. I wish I didn't have those days, and I dread just thinking that another one could be right around the corner, knowing that it will happen again hurts so much. I have fought with this illness every day for years, I have gone to therapy, I have taken pills and honestly I don't know what I can do to ever make it go away fully. How do you tell people that there are days when you wish you had never been born because the pain is too much. I try to hide it from everyone and I hope no one can see through the mask I wear on those days. I don't let people see the pain, and maybe that's why I feel a need to write it out on here. I don't want to go back to how I was a few years ago when I couldn't see a way out for months on end, and I am afraid that I am going back down that road. I am scared shit-less just thinking that it is even a possibility.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.